reeling in - day 2/36524

so the dread is setting in, i am in full depression mode. i m alredy giving up on the dream. if i am given a stash of money, i would engineer my exit from this situation, i will retire immediately, knowing that it is but a pipedream, where a ton of money will fall on my lap this thursday and friday, i would set aside enough to retire and stop challenging myself.however, i am good at acting evertything is fine and dandy, i would swallow it and keep moving, it works for me and knowing i am guided that way. i have just written to my boss today pretending everything is fine, using very soft words, i know he is smarter than i am, i would not be surprised he would verify those information, now i have been honest, but i doubt my memory and my reading of people's opinion of me, i have already taken the least favorable stance about myself and have confessed that i am not who i used to be, i realised from the time i was in the hospital, and every time i try to move forward i am actually no longer motivated. i am ready to give up my position and move aside. but at the same time i know i need to survive somewhere. i had this issue with things that are broken. i like to start from scratch and redo evrything so i can track the changes and do things better.